Lessons from my life as a mediator

When I first qualified as a mediator 25 years ago, I began on a journey of life-long learning. Over that time I have been fortunate to mediate hundreds of cases from finance and divorce cases to cohabitee disputes and arrangements for children (including where one parent wants to take a child to live overseas). I have mediated between couples in the same rooms, in different rooms, in online rooms. My clients have come from all over the world and there have been cultural differences to understand and accommodate. 

Sometimes the disputes to an outsider seem really minor – the couple are not that far part in what they want – but there is still a sticking point that is preventing them from moving on. On other occasions, the couple are in high-conflict. The mediation may resolve the dispute very quickly, although usually three to five meetings are needed; on, thankfully rare occasions when using hybrid mediation, the mediation has gone on for four consecutive days. There have been business people, high-profile personalities, entrepreneurs and families spanning several generations all seeking to use mediation to resolve a dispute not only time or cost effectively but constructively too. 

For those of you who are thinking about mediation or about to go into a mediation meeting for the first time, here are five things my work has taught me to get the most out of your mediation. 

Be prepared

This may be your final chance to resolve matters out of court and to get the outcome that you really want and not to have one imposed on you. Take time to discuss how the process works with your mediator so that you know what to expect. Make sure that you spend time thinking about the issues that you want to resolve. If it helps you to stay focussed (especially in meetings), write them down. If the mediator asks you for information or documents, don't delay and provide them in full. And make sure that you know your own documents so that you can explain them if you are asked to.

Be calm 

Try not to rush into or out of mediation meetings. At meetings, expect the unexpected. If you are not sure how to respond to a particular scenario being put forward, explain this to the mediator. You do not have to make rushed decisions in mediation. You have time between meetings to think about what is being suggested and to take legal advice. If you feel stressed or upset during meetings, let the mediator know. They will help you to find a way forward. Remember that the mediator is there to help you and your ex reach a positive outcome.

Be realistic

Are your aims realistic? Mediation is not about winning but about finding workable solutions to problems. Try to look at the issues through the eyes of your ex and think about what might work for them as well as what would work for you. The mediator will help you to think laterally and outside of the box. The solutions you can agree in mediation are often more creative and varied than those imposed by a court. They will also be solutions that you have chosen, and which are tailored to your family.

Be attentive

By this I mean listen and keep listening. Mediation is all about listening to what the other person is saying. Try and stay focussed on the issues rather than on how you are feeling about your ex. This is not easy but if you can listen to what is being suggested it will help you to consider all of the options.

Be determined

You will need to be determined that you can resolve matters without going to court. Whilst it may not be easy to reach a solution, believing that you can and remaining positive will take you a long way towards achieving a successful outcome. A positive attitude will help you through the challenging times in mediation too. Determination and hard work are needed to solve difficult problems but it will be worth it.